Glossary of Common Terms (2009)

This piece originally appeared in my book Dissenting Views.

Glossary of Common Terms
 
 
Political discussions can sometimes become a Babel Tower cacophony, as people talk over each other without ever arriving at common ground.  I want to avoid confusion in this book and explain precisely what I mean when certain terms are used, so please refer to the following glossary when necessary.
            If a term defined in this glossary appears in another definition, it is italicized.
 
American Values: The belief in the inherent goodness of American intentions and the rightness of our collective cause, without any reference to what is sometimes called ‘the external world.’
 
Anti-American: This is a broad term that implies resistance to American Values.  This can include such activity as thinking, reading books or magazines outside the range provided by your local airport, speaking to other people about topics that are not established by television, and other forms of revolutionary terrorism.  This should not be confused with one who is Anti-Swede; as the name implies, this would be simply be a person with an aversion to Ingmar Bergman films.
 
Bad American: A corrective supplied by Bill O’Reilly, when he announced that he would no longer label people who resisted the Iraq War as “un-American.”  These degenerate infidels would, he said, now be referred by him as “Bad Americans.”  Bad Americans are stupid and going to Hell, but should not be immediately imprisoned unless there are additional crimes such as suspected thinking.
 
Conspiracy Nut: Any individual who asserts that persons of great power and influence may, like all other humans, take actions in pursuit of their perceived interests.
 
Conspiracy Theory: Any notion suggesting that human beings in positions of power will, all other things being equal, attempt to act in their perceived best interests if they think they can get away with it.  By definition, can never be supported by evidence.
 
Evidence: Information supporting core beliefs and American values.
 
Evil: Any person or group who behaves in their own interests to the detriment or potential detriment of the United States, Great Britain, or Israel.  See terrorist.
 
FBI Investigation (on Television):  A massively coordinated effort that includes the collection of all available forensic evidence, the following of leads, the interviewing of relevant parties, and the arrest and eventual confession of the perpetrator, in under one hour including advertisements.
 
FBI Investigation (Real Life): A massively coordinated effort that includes the destruction of inconvenient discoveries,[1] the failure to interview relevant suspects,[2] the identification of an alleged perpetrator despite a total lack of evidence,[3] and the failure to arrest even the alleged perpetrator due to lack of interest.[4]
 
Fair and Balanced: The scientific discovery made by noted social scientist Rupert Murdoch that there are two sides to every issue, one acceptable to sinful deviants and one acceptable to normal people.  You decide which is best.
 
Fair Trade: A Marxist-Leninist idea concocted by hippies and other wild-eyed leftists that asserts that global welfare, not corporate interests, should dictate policy.
 
Free Trade: A global market system that respects the rights of NATO countries and their allies to vigorously pursue the economic assault and dismantling of less fortunate countries.
 
Freedom: Your right to obey the Blackwater mercenary holding the automatic rifle.
 
Freedom Fighters: A group of revolutionaries who have aligned their goals with the desires of the United States, Great Britain, or Israel; for example, the expansion of increased territory from which to buy and sell narcotics.  Sometimes freedom fighters, once they have attained power, will begin to demand a larger percentage of the profits or -- if they become truly evil -- start using their profits to rebuild the infrastructure of the country they live in.  Such activity automatically turns them into terrorists.
 
Globalism: The interconnected world that will magically raise the living standards of ordinary human beings, if only we wish with all our might.  By no account should it ever be confused with a concept that will result in near-universal misery but enormous profits for a tiny elite and its paid cheerleaders in the mainstream press.
 
Historical analysis: The recognition, based in fact, that historical events are so complex and motives so arcane that no one can ever ascribe any given activity to the will of any person or group of people.  Unless, of course, it happened in Stalinist Russia or something.
 
Historian: A paid professional, adept at tracing shadows on the cave wall.
 
Insurgency: What happens when a people conquered by NATO forces fail to submit to freedom.  The British sometimes refer to this behavior as being a “poor sport.”
 
9/11: The murder of 3,000 people on American soil by Osama bin Laden and his dark minions, the imperative for wars with Afghanistan and the Middle East, the reason Rudy Giuliani is a hero of the realm, and the event that proves the pressing need for a tax break for the wealthiest one-tenth of one percent of all Americans.
 
‘Possibly linked to Al-Qaeda’: This phrase refers to people who are Arabic, Indian, African-American or otherwise scary and disliked by The American Public and are found to have possibly contributed some money to a charity that may have been connected to a mosque that could theoretically have had a known terrorist’s cousin in the same county.  This also refers to people such as Saddam Hussein, who has no known connection to Al-Qaeda but is also not well liked by The American Public.  This emphatically does not refer to those who definitely have a link to Al-Qaeda, such as Zbigniew Brzezinski.[5]
 
Propaganda: Information at odds with core beliefs or American values.
 
Supporting the Troops: This consists of praising the heroism and sacrifice of soldiers as they fight and die in operations benefiting military contractors, munitions manufacturers, and a handful of investment bankers and their stockholders.  Suggesting that the best way to support the troops would be to bring them home is, of course, seditious and a clear example of thinking.
 
Targeted Assassination: The only sensible response to terrorist actions that doesn't involve saturation bombing.
 
Terrorism: Any activity that thwarts or attempts to thwart U.S., British, or Israeli interests.  Note: can also refer to a conquered people’s refusal to take any action other than throwing themselves under the treads of advancing NATO tanks.
Terrorist: Any person who is no longer perceived as useful to the U.S. Department of Defense and is therefore now off the payroll; i.e., Rafael Trujillo, Manuel Noriega, Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden, etc.
 
Thinking: The use of one’s cognition to make judgments that could, at least in principle, conflict with those handed down by the proper authorities.  Such behavior invites ridicule, ostracism, and potential imprisonment.
 


[1] ‘Anthrax Probe Hampered by FBI Blunders,’ San Francisco Chronicle, 11 Nov 2001.  http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/chronicle/archive/2001/11/09/MN153227.DTL

[2] ‘Bush-Cheney 9/11 Interview Won’t Be Formally Recorded.’ New York Times, 28 April 2004. http://www.nytimes.com/2004/04/28/politics/28BUSH.html?ex=1398484800&en=e97c72d90a660676&ei=5007&partner=USERLAND

[3] Speech by FBI Director Robert Mueller, 19 April 2002. http://www.fbi.gov/pressrel/speeches/speech041902.htm

[4] George W. Bush Press Conference, 13 March 2002. http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2002/03/20020313-8.html

[5] Zbigniew Brzezinski interview in La Nouvelle Observateur, 21 January 1998. http://www.globalresearch.ca/articles/BRZ110A.html
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